When Distance Meets Distress

When Distance Meets Distress: A Dismissive Avoidant Partner’s View of the Anxious–Avoidant Cycle
Over the years, I’ve had many women sit across from me in my insurance and investment office after a separation. They come in with envelopes, binders, or a stack of papers held together with an elastic band. But what they’re really carrying is the quiet ache of a relationship that slowly became too heavy to hold alone.
One woman told me, “I kept trying to talk to him, and he kept disappearing.” Another said, “I thought I was the only one doing the work.” Another whispered, “Maybe I was just too much.”
Hearing these stories again and again pushed me to study attachment styles. What I found was a pattern that explained so much of what these women had lived through: the anxious–avoidant cycle. And to truly understand it, you have to see it from both sides — including the dismissive avoidant partner’s perspective.
From the inside, the avoidant partner isn’t cold or uncaring. They grew up in environments where emotions were minimized or overwhelming, so they learned early that safety comes from staying self contained. When their partner reaches for closeness, they don’t feel loved — they feel pressure. Not because the other person is demanding, but because vulnerability feels like stepping onto thin ice.
Many avoidant partners genuinely love their spouse. They show it through reliability, routine, humour, and quiet presence. But when emotions rise, they retreat. Not to punish, but to steady themselves. They often think, “I don’t know how to give what you’re asking for,” or “If I open up, I’ll lose control.” Meanwhile, the anxious partner feels abandoned, unheard, and increasingly responsible for keeping the relationship alive.
The tragedy is that both people are trying — just in opposite directions. One reaches in to feel safe. The other steps back to feel safe. Over time, the anxious partner becomes exhausted, and the avoidant partner becomes overwhelmed. The relationship doesn’t collapse suddenly; it erodes quietly.
Understanding this dynamic doesn’t excuse hurtful behaviour, but it does bring clarity. Many women who come to see me after a separation discover that they weren’t “too much.” They were simply paired with someone whose attachment system was built for distance, not closeness. And once they understand that, they stop blaming themselves and start rebuilding with a clearer sense of what they need and deserve.